When someone you care about is experiencing depression, it can be difficult to know what to do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
You may be worried about saying the wrong thing. You might want desperately to help but have no idea what would make things better. Sometimes you may wonder whether you should encourage them, give them space, ask questions or simply sit alongside them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There isn’t a perfect way to support somebody with depression.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Perhaps one of the most important places to begin is simply with noticing, listening and being willing to ask<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Depression doesn’t always look the way we expect it to.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Someone may seem very sad or withdrawn, but not everybody who is depressed will appear obviously unhappy. Some people continue going to work, caring for their family, laughing with friends and doing all the things they normally do while struggling considerably inside.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You might notice that someone you know:<\/p>\n\n\n\n These things don’t necessarily mean that somebody has depression. There can be many reasons for changes in how someone is behaving or feeling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But if you have noticed something and you’re concerned, it’s okay to ask<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Talking to somebody about how they’re feeling doesn’t have to begin with telling them what you think is wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You might simply say:<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI’ve noticed you haven’t seemed quite yourself lately. How are you doing?\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n or:<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYou’ve seemed really tired recently and I wondered how things are for you at the moment.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n You don’t need to diagnose them or persuade them to talk.<\/p>\n\n\n\n They may tell you everything. They may tell you very little. They may say they’re fine even when you suspect they aren’t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sometimes simply knowing that somebody has noticed and is willing to listen can matter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And if they don’t want to talk now, you can leave the door open:<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThat’s okay. I’m here if you ever do want to talk.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n When somebody we care about is struggling, there can be a powerful urge to make things better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We might offer solutions, remind them of everything they have going for them or try to persuade them to look at things differently.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Usually this comes from care.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But sometimes a person who is depressed doesn’t need somebody to immediately solve what they’re feeling. They may need somewhere they can say how things really are without worrying that they have upset somebody or that they now need to make the other person feel better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sometimes:<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI’m here with you.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n can be more helpful than:<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYou need to\u2026\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n You don’t need to have experienced depression yourself to listen well. And you don’t have to say that you understand exactly how they feel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You can simply be curious:<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhat is it like for you?\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhat would be helpful from me?\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n And sometimes there won’t be anything useful to say at all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Being willing to stay and listen can be enough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sometimes we say things because we’re trying to help \u2014 \u201ccheer up\u201d, \u201clook on the bright side\u201d<\/em> or \u201cyou need to get out more\u201d<\/em> \u2014 without realising how they might sound to someone who is struggling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The video below uses humour to show the difference between what we mean when we offer advice and how that advice can sometimes feel to the person receiving it<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n [VIDEO HERE]<\/mark><\/strong>https:\/\/www.bing.com\/videos\/riverview\/relatedvideo?q=you+tube%2c+bbc+deepwatch+things+not+to+say+when+someone+is+depressed&mid=17ED890618B42F68E14E17ED890618B42F68E14E&churl=https%3a%2f%2fwww.youtube.com%2fchannel%2fUCcjoLhqu3nyOFmdqF17LeBQ&FORM=VIRE<\/mark><\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n It isn’t about getting every word right. Most of us will occasionally say something that doesn’t land in the way we intended.<\/p>\n\n\n\n What matters more is being willing to listen, remain curious and let the other person tell us what feels helpful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Depression can make maintaining relationships difficult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Someone may stop answering messages, cancel plans or withdraw from people they care about. That doesn’t necessarily mean they no longer value the relationship or want you around.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sometimes replying to a message can feel like another task requiring energy they simply don’t have.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You can keep contact gentle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n A message saying:<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cJust thinking about you. No pressure to reply.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n can let someone know they’re still held in mind without giving them another obligation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You can also continue inviting them to things while making it okay for them to say no.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Being remembered matters.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Depression can make ordinary everyday activities require enormous amounts of effort.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Getting out of bed, having a shower, making food, washing the dishes, answering a message or leaving the house might look small from the outside.<\/p>\n\n\n\n From inside depression, they may feel enormous.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Try not to assume that somebody isn’t trying because you can’t see progress.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sometimes getting through the day is the thing they are managing<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Rather than:<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYou need to get out more.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n you might ask:<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWould you like some company for a little while?\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Support can be practical as well as emotional. Perhaps they would appreciate somebody sitting with them while they make a phone call, bringing some food, going for a short walk together or simply watching television without needing to talk.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And sometimes they may need rest and space.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The person themselves is often the best place to begin when working out what would help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When somebody is struggling, it can become very easy for every conversation to be about how they are feeling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n They are still the same person you knew before depression became part of their life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You don’t have to turn every cup of tea into a conversation about mental health.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Laugh together if something is funny. Talk about ordinary things. Watch rubbish television. Send them something you know will make them smile. Sit quietly. Go somewhere together if they feel able.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Depression may be something they are experiencing, but it isn’t everything that they are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If someone is struggling, you might gently encourage them to speak with their GP, a counsellor or another appropriate professional.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You could ask:<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWould it help if I sat with you while you made the appointment?\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n or:<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWould you like me to help you look at what support is available?\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n For some people, even arranging help can feel overwhelming.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Offering support with that process can make it more manageable, while still allowing the person to have as much choice and involvement as possible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Caring about somebody who is struggling can be difficult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You may feel worried, helpless, frustrated, frightened or exhausted. You might find yourself constantly checking whether they’re okay or feeling responsible for keeping them well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You matter in this relationship too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It is okay to have boundaries. It is okay to rest, see other people and continue with your own life. Supporting someone doesn’t mean becoming responsible for everything they feel or everything that happens to them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You may also need somebody to talk to about how the situation is affecting you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Looking after yourself doesn’t mean that you care about them any less.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If somebody talks about suicide, self-harm, feeling that people would be better without them or not wanting to be alive, take what they’re telling you seriously<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You don’t need to panic or have all the answers. You can listen to what they’re telling you and help them connect with appropriate support.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If they need urgent mental health help<\/strong>, they can use NHS urgent mental health support<\/a> or call 111 and select the mental health option<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\nWhat Might You Notice?<\/mark><\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
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Starting a Conversation<\/strong><\/mark><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Listening Without Trying to Fix It<\/mark><\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
When Good Intentions Don’t Quite Land<\/mark><\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Keep in Touch<\/mark><\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Remember the Small Things Can Be Big Things<\/mark><\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Remember the Person, Not Just the Depression<\/mark><\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Encourage Support Without Taking Away Choice<\/mark><\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Look After Yourself Too<\/mark><\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
If You’re Worried About Their Safety<\/mark><\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n