When we’re struggling, we’re often encouraged to “reach out” or “talk to someone”. It sounds simple enough, but actually doing it can feel very different.
Sometimes the times when we most need connection are also the times when we find ourselves pulling away from other people.
There can be many reasons for this. We might worry about being a burden, not know how to explain what is happening, feel ashamed or believe that other people won’t understand. Perhaps we’ve reached out before and weren’t heard, or previous experiences have taught us that relying on other people doesn’t always feel safe. Sometimes we may simply be so overwhelmed that finding the words and initiating contact feels like one more thing we don’t have the energy for.
So withdrawing from other people doesn’t necessarily mean that somebody doesn’t want connection or support. Sometimes there are very understandable reasons why reaching towards another person feels difficult.
Reaching Out Doesn’t Have to Mean Telling Everything
Asking for help doesn’t have to begin with a complete explanation of everything that is happening. You don’t need to have found the right words, worked out exactly what is wrong or decided what kind of help you need before you can let somebody know that you’re struggling.
It might be sending somebody a message saying, “I’m having a difficult day.” It could be asking a friend to come round without needing to talk about why, telling your GP that things haven’t felt right recently, or contacting a counsellor without yet knowing exactly what you want to say.
Sometimes the first step is simply allowing another person to know that things aren’t okay.
And finding the right person matters too. Being told to talk doesn’t help very much if previous attempts at talking have left us feeling dismissed, judged or misunderstood. It can take time to find somebody with whom it feels safe enough to begin.
Connection Can Start Small
We don’t necessarily need lots of people around us to feel less alone. Sometimes one relationship in which we can be a little more honest about how we’re doing can make a difference.
If you’re supporting somebody else, it can also be helpful to remember that “I’m fine” doesn’t always mean “I don’t need you.” We don’t have to force somebody to talk or find the right words for them. Sometimes continuing to be there, listening when they’re ready and making it clear that they don’t have to pretend can be valuable in itself.
There can be courage in asking for help. But perhaps there also needs to be compassion for how difficult asking can sometimes be.
Cover image courtesy of:
Perry Grone