Helping a Friend with Anxiety
One of the best ways to help a friend with anxiety is to understand a little about anxiety and recognise how significantly it can affect someone’s life.
Anxiety is a widely recognised feeling of fear, worry or uneasiness that can occur during stressful situations, such as job interviews or first dates. Feeling anxious is a normal human experience that most people will encounter at some point in their lives.
For some people, however, anxiety can become persistent, difficult to manage and have a significant impact on everyday life. Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) is one form of anxiety disorder and is characterised by excessive and persistent worry about different areas of life. A diagnosis involves considering a range of symptoms, how long they have been present and the impact they are having on the person’s life.
GAD can affect people both emotionally and physically. Someone may experience difficulty concentrating, restlessness, problems sleeping, muscle tension, dizziness or heart palpitations. Physical symptoms can feel frightening and uncomfortable. Although anxiety can cause physical sensations such as a racing or pounding heartbeat, new, persistent or concerning physical symptoms should not simply be assumed to be anxiety and may need medical advice.
Anxiety can also be experienced alongside, or as part of, other mental health difficulties, including Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), social anxiety, phobias and panic disorder.
Spotting signs of anxiety in a friend or loved one is not always easy. People experience and express anxiety differently, and some may not talk openly about what they are going through. There are, however, some things you might notice:
- Wanting to know the details. Uncertainty can be particularly difficult for some people experiencing anxiety. Your friend might repeatedly check plans for a day out, want to know exactly what is going to happen or double-check things such as money, travel arrangements or timings. Having information may help things feel a little more predictable.
- Difficulty making decisions. Worrying about different possibilities and outcomes can sometimes make decisions feel overwhelming.
- Fight, flight or freeze responses. When someone feels threatened or overwhelmed, their body may respond automatically. They might want to leave or avoid a situation, become irritable, shut down or respond more strongly than you would normally expect. Rather than assuming what is happening, it can help to remain curious about what they may be experiencing.
- Seeking reassurance. Some people experiencing anxiety may frequently seek reassurance when uncertainty or worrying thoughts become difficult to manage. While reassurance can feel helpful in the moment, repeatedly needing certainty can sometimes become part of the anxiety cycle.
- Difficulty sleeping. Worry and racing thoughts can make falling asleep or staying asleep difficult. Over time this can leave someone feeling tired and make everyday life harder.
Understanding and recognising anxiety can be an important first step in supporting someone you care about. But you do not need to become an expert on anxiety to be a good friend.
Sometimes one of the most helpful things you can do is simply listen.
If your friend is worried about something, try not to immediately convince them that there is nothing to worry about or tell them that their fear is irrational. Something that seems manageable to you may feel very different to them.
Instead, you might acknowledge what they are experiencing and ask what would be helpful. They may want to talk through what is worrying them, think about their options, have some practical help or simply have someone stay alongside them while the feeling passes.
You do not necessarily need to solve the problem.
Grounding
Grounding is one technique that some people find helpful when anxiety becomes overwhelming. It involves gently bringing attention back to the present moment and the environment around you.
For example, if your friend is becoming anxious while sitting in a hospital waiting room, you might ask whether they would like to try focusing on something around them. They could notice objects of a particular colour, count pieces of furniture, feel their feet against the floor or pay attention to things they can see, hear or touch.
Grounding does not work for everybody, and it does not mean that anxiety should immediately disappear. Its purpose is simply to help someone reconnect with the present moment when thoughts or physical sensations feel overwhelming.
If you are supporting someone else, it is usually better to ask whether they would like to try something rather than assuming what will help.
Supporting Without Taking Over
Supporting somebody with anxiety can sometimes involve finding a balance between helping and allowing them to retain choice and control.
For example, your friend may find making a telephone call extremely stressful. Rather than automatically making the call for them or insisting that they make it alone, you could ask what would make it feel more manageable.
Perhaps they would like you to sit beside them while they make the call. You could help them write down what they want to say, practise the conversation beforehand or help them think about what information they might need.
Sometimes they may genuinely need someone else to make the call.
Avoiding situations that cause anxiety can sometimes make those situations feel increasingly difficult over time, but this does not mean that someone should simply be pushed through their fear or that offering support is “enabling” their anxiety.
Small, manageable steps can help some people gradually build confidence. What those steps look like will depend on the person, their circumstances and what feels achievable for them.
Remember the Person, Not Just the Anxiety
One of the most important things to remember is that the person is not the condition.
When someone we care about is struggling, it is understandable to want to help. But if your relationship gradually becomes entirely about their anxiety and finding ways to “fix” it, they may begin to feel that anxiety is all you see when you look at them.
They are still your friend, partner or family member. They still have interests, strengths, humour, opinions and all the other things that make them who they are.
Continue doing ordinary things together where you can. That might mean going for a walk, watching something together, exercising, socialising, enjoying a hobby or simply spending time together without anxiety being the focus.
There is value in connection and enjoyment without everything having to become a therapeutic exercise.
Ask What Helps
Living with GAD or significant anxiety can be difficult, and having supportive people around can make a meaningful difference.
Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that everybody experiences anxiety differently. What comforts one person may frustrate another; what feels supportive one day may not be what they need the next.
If you are unsure what to do, it is okay to ask.
You might simply say, “What would be helpful from me right now?”
They may want you to listen. They may want practical help. They may want some company, some space, a distraction, or a hug. They may not know what they need yet.
You do not have to have all the answers. Sometimes being willing to listen, remain alongside someone and allow them to tell you what they need is a very good place to begin.
For more information about anxiety, you can read our previous article on the subject or explore the additional resources below.