Mental health is part of all of us. It includes our emotional and psychological wellbeing and can encompass everything from happiness, connection and contentment to anxiety, sadness, anger, numbness and despair.
We have become much better at talking about mental health over the years, but some old ideas have proved remarkably difficult to shift. Sometimes they’re obvious, and sometimes they’re hidden in everyday phrases such as “pull yourself together”, “just think positively” or “they’re only doing it for attention.” These ideas matter because they can affect how we respond to somebody who is struggling — and sometimes how we respond to ourselves. So perhaps it’s worth questioning a few of them.
’Tis But a Scratch’
We tend to find physical health easier to understand because we can often see what is wrong. A broken leg is fairly difficult to argue with. Nobody expects someone with their leg in plaster to simply walk normally because they’ve decided to have a positive attitude. Mental and emotional distress can be much less visible.
There is something rather British about the idea of “soldiering on” or maintaining a “stiff upper lip”. Monty Python captured it beautifully in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, when the Black Knight, having lost an arm, insists, “’Tis but a scratch.” Absurd, obviously, but perhaps not entirely unfamiliar. People can continue working, parenting, socialising and appearing to manage while having an incredibly difficult time internally. We don’t always know what somebody is carrying simply because we can’t see it.
Myth 1: Mental Health Difficulties Are a Sign of Weakness
They aren’t. Our mental health can be affected by a complicated mixture of experiences, relationships, circumstances, loss, trauma, stress, physical health, biology and many other things. There isn’t a particular type of person who struggles and another type who doesn’t.
Sometimes people have also survived extraordinarily difficult circumstances precisely because they found ways of adapting and continuing. What looks like struggling now may have a much longer and more complicated story behind it. Perhaps rather than asking “Why can’t they cope?”, a more useful question might be “What has happened, and what might they need?”
Myth 2: You Can Feel Better if You Really Want To
Most people who are struggling would very much like to feel better. There may be things that support our wellbeing — relationships, movement, rest, routine, medication, therapy, creativity, being outside or simply having somewhere we feel safe — but none of these means that somebody can simply decide not to be depressed, anxious or distressed.
When somebody is struggling, even the things that usually help can become much harder to do. Being told to “cheer up”, “think positively” or “try harder” can leave somebody feeling as though their difficulty is now also a personal failure.
Myth 3: People With Mental Health Difficulties Are Dangerous or Unpredictable
This is a particularly damaging stereotype, reinforced over many years by films, television and sensationalised reporting. Having a mental health difficulty does not automatically make somebody dangerous. People experiencing mental health problems are individuals, and a diagnosis doesn’t tell us somebody’s character, values or how they will behave.
Reducing people to frightening stereotypes can create shame and make it harder to talk openly about what they are experiencing. It can also affect how other people respond to them, sometimes at the very point when understanding and support are most needed.
Myth 4: Medication or Therapy — You Have to Choose One
It doesn’t have to be one or the other. Medication can be helpful for some people, therapy can be helpful for some people, and some people find a combination useful. Others may decide that one or neither is right for them.
Medication also doesn’t simply “correct a chemical imbalance” in the straightforward way it was once commonly described. Our understanding of mental health is considerably more complex than that. What matters is having good information, being able to discuss the available options with appropriate professionals and, wherever possible, being involved in decisions about your own care.
Myth 5: Talking to a Counsellor Is Just Like Talking to a Friend
There can certainly be similarities. Hopefully both involve warmth, trust, honesty and feeling that the other person genuinely cares about what you’re saying. But counselling isn’t a friendship. Friendships are reciprocal: we share our lives with each other, give opinions and advice, ask for support ourselves and develop relationships that exist beyond a particular time and place.
A therapeutic relationship has different boundaries because its purpose is different. The time belongs to the person seeking counselling. Rather than telling someone what they should do, a counsellor can listen, notice, wonder and explore alongside them, helping them make sense of their own experience and decide what feels right for them. It can be a very human relationship while still being a professional one.
Myth 6: Talking About Something Will Make It Worse
Sometimes talking helps enormously, but sometimes it can also feel difficult. There can be a fear that once we start talking, everything we’ve managed to keep contained will come spilling out. If somebody has previously been dismissed, judged or not believed, there may also be very good reasons why speaking doesn’t immediately feel safe.
Talking shouldn’t mean being pushed to disclose something before you’re ready. Sometimes it begins slowly: a little bit of a story, a feeling, “I don’t know how to explain this”, or simply letting another person know that something isn’t okay. The important thing isn’t getting everything out; it’s having enough safety, choice and control over what happens next.
Myth 7: Medication Will Change Who I Am
It’s understandable to have questions or worries about medication. Different medications affect different people in different ways. Some people find medication extremely helpful, while others experience side effects or find that a particular medication isn’t right for them.
Having concerns doesn’t mean you should simply stop taking prescribed medication. It means those concerns are worth discussing with your GP, psychiatrist or other prescriber, who can talk through what you’re experiencing and the options available. You are allowed to ask questions about your treatment and understand what is being recommended to you.
Myth 8: People Self-Harm for Attention
Self-harm is much more complicated than this. It can have different meanings and functions for different people. For some, it may be a way of coping with overwhelming emotional distress, communicating something that is difficult to put into words, responding to numbness or managing experiences that feel unbearable in another way.
Even when someone’s distress does bring the attention of other people, perhaps we should be careful about using “attention-seeking” as an insult. Sometimes human beings need attention. We need care, connection, reassurance and to know that somebody has noticed we’re struggling. Rather than asking whether somebody is “doing it for attention”, perhaps the more compassionate question is: what is happening for this person, and what might they need right now?
We Can’t Always See When Someone Is Struggling
Perhaps one of the biggest myths is the idea that we should somehow be able to recognise what mental health difficulties look like. There isn’t one appearance. Someone can laugh, work, make jokes, look after other people, post photographs, go out with friends and still be struggling. Equally, somebody being quiet, eccentric, emotional or behaving differently from us doesn’t mean we can diagnose them from the outside.
We see a small part of other people’s lives, and there’s usually much more going on underneath. So perhaps the most useful thing we can take from challenging mental health myths isn’t learning a new set of rules about what people with mental health difficulties are really like. It’s remembering that people are people.
We can be curious rather than assuming, listen rather than immediately trying to fix, and leave a little room for the possibility that we don’t yet know the whole story. And if somebody tells us they’re struggling, we don’t need to have all the answers. Sometimes being willing to hear them is a pretty good place to start.
Cover image courtesy of Marie L.